We’re Not Strict, We’re Not Gentle — We’re the Exhausted Middle (Re-Release)

If your kid has rolled their eyes at you more times today than you’ve sipped your coffee… welcome home. In this episode of Moms Brain Is a Coffee Stain, Kayla and Crystal dive into the wild zone between strict parenting and gentle parenting — and why most of us are just doing our best in the messy middle.

From teen negotiations that feel like hostage situations, to real-life stories of safety, boundaries, emotional validation, and those “I just have a bad feeling” moments… this episode is for every parent trying to keep their kids alive and somewhat respectful.

We’re talking:• How to keep open communication without becoming a doormat• Why safety trumps “but everyone else gets to!”• How to stand firm without turning your home into a supermax• The difference between advocating and pestering• And why you are NOT your teen’s best friend (yet)

Oh, and Kayla spills a teenage confession that may make you feel way better about your own wild years. You’re welcome.

Grab your mug. Pop in your earbuds. Let’s survive parenting together.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey everyone, as the summer winds down and we take our family vacations and get everything back into the swing of things for the school year. We just wanted to let you know that we're gonna be re-releasing a couple of our earlier episodes. We hope you guys enjoyed. And as always, keep on sipping that coffee and we'll see you next Tuesday.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

If you just realized you forgot the grocery order and now have to do the unthinkable, visit an actual store, may God have mercy on your soul.

SPEAKER_03 0:51

If today feels like it's been duct taped together since sunrise and there's not enough coffee in the known universe.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Because it's time, let's go. Welcome back to Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain.

SPEAKER_03 1:19

The only podcast clinically proven to raise your blood pressure and your dopamine at the exact same time.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Today we're diving into the topic you guys have blown our DMs about.

SPEAKER_03 1:47

Strict parenting versus gentle parenting.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

And whether that messy middle ground actually exists.

SPEAKER_03 1:54

Or if we're all just pretending it does while our sanity hangs on by one very thin thread. Let's spill the coffee. Then it's a full-on dictatorship.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

Girls, same energy over here. I want my boys to have a voice to negotiate, to feel heard all the good emotional validation stuff.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

Right, but at the end of the day, what mom says goes. No negotiations with tiny, or in our case, not so tiny terrace.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Is that strict? Maybe a little. But I don't feel like a strict parent. I feel like the person keeping everybody alive.

SPEAKER_03 2:49

Oh, I'm so glad you said it. Gentle parenting looks beautiful on TikTok and you know, Facebook and all that. And validating every single feeling, no punishments, endless calm explanations.

SPEAKER_00 3:04

I see you're angry about bedtime. Yeah, okay. Meanwhile, the kids still up at midnight.

SPEAKER_03 3:09

Oh, I know. And then you've got the other side, the because I said so generation we kind of grew up in, and turned out pretty much fine.

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Mostly. But now we're stuck in this messy middle connection plus actual limits.

SPEAKER_03 3:27

Right, because we're not screaming dictators, but we're definitely not doormats either. It's exhausting, but honestly, it feels right. It does. Okay, so I'm gonna tell you a story today. Let me paint this picture. Ethan, he's hanging out with six friends, six teenage boys. So you know they're eating me out of house and home. Like grocery budget through the roof. And you also know that means they have like a collective IQ of maybe seven on a good day. And then uh so I get this text and it says, Mom, can we go to the gas station? And at first, I naturally assumed they meant like they were all gonna walk to the gas station, right? Because they're all 15, 14, I think like two of them were even 13. So you're walking, right? And then I thought to myself, ooh, they might be trying to take like bikes and skateboards, and they have to cross like a pretty busy main, like highway type thing. Well, not highway, but it's a main road. And I was like, ooh, boys with wheels of any type is a bad decision. So I I asked him for to make sure like you guys are walking, and he drops the bomb on me that his friend's 18-year-old brother is gonna come pick them up in a Honda Civic. Oh my for seven bodies, a Honda Civic, like no. So Ethan proceeds to launch into his TED talk and goes, he says to me, he drives us all the time, he's safe. First of all, there has not been one single time I have let your nephew, my sweet baby child, ever get in this vehicle with this boy, and I know this. So either A, you've been riding around with somebody you ain't supposed to, or B, you really just try to front and lie to your own mama.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

Either way, it's not working out.

unknown 5:44

Right.

SPEAKER_03 5:46

So he proceeds to tell me, well, he's already on his way. Trust me, mom. No. And I'm like, sweet baby, you can trust the day that I let seven teenage boys cram into a compact car is the day that I've completely lost the will to live. So I said no. I was like, y'all aren't going for a car ride, it's not happening. But I I wasn't opposed to them going to the gas station. So I did tell him if you guys all want to walk, you can wait for his brother to get here. And if you guys all want to walk to the gas station, that's fine. I'm okay with that. But you guys aren't getting in the car. Ethan was livid, he was so mad. He called me a Mussolini. He was just through the roof. I don't understand why. He drives all the time, he has insurance, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, well, you don't have to understand why. It's not safe. That means you guys would literally all be doubled up, including on the driver. Right.

unknown 6:51

Good.

SPEAKER_03 6:51

So he ended up giving in. Well, I say giving in, but really it was either walk or you just don't go. So he ended up finally realizing that, and him and his friends and the older brother all walked to the gas station and they were happy. They came home with a bunch of junk food and caffeine and they were hopped up like crazy. So nobody died, and I'm considering it a parenting win.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Yeah, it's definitely a win. If I I mean, so uh Wayne got his license in a car, so did Jair. And Jordan was really hype. He thought that was a complete opportunity for him to be toted around in his cousin or brother's car all the time. And like I was just gonna let him just go and do whatever like he wanted, I guess. And I told him, No, you know, now mind you, they're new drivers, they don't have much experience. There's so much that goes into driving. And Jordan's like, Well, they're safe. And I said, Well, that's great, but that doesn't mean that everybody else on the road is safe and they're new, right? They don't have the experience. So I kind of went through the similar situation as you did with Jordan because he looked at it like, cool, I'm gonna ride around in the car with my cousin or my brother. He thinks it's gonna look cool, he's gonna be cool, and yeah, I had to I had to put my foot down on that one and tell him, No, that's not how this is gonna work. And as they morph into giant, hairy, deodorant, optional creatures, we gotta loosen the reins, but slowly and intentionally, like we've been talking about. I always let the boys talk it out. I give their reasoning, even when I already know the answer is no, I do try to hear them out. Um, and you know, don't take me wrong, sometimes they do have valid points and they do bring up a different perspective than what I was thinking. But they also know that when mom says no, it's usually no, and it's for a good reason.

SPEAKER_03 9:04

Yeah, and I agree with you 100%. I'm all for him giving me his TED talk and trying to sell me on it initially. You know, it teaches them how to advocate for themselves, and as long as it's done in a respectful manner, it really just gives them the opportunity to say, this is what I want, this is why I want it, or this is what I need, this is why I need it. So I do think it's a good idea to because I knew from the minute he said 18-year-old older brother, I was like, nah, not happening. I and that was before I even heard the words Honda Civic. So, you know, I knew it was gonna be a no, but I let him say everything he needed to say and try to sell me on it, which I did think it was funny because either way, something's not making sense here. But you know, I do think it's a good idea.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Eric, so let me ask you this. What about when it turns into pestering? Jordan's really big on that, right? Or a full-on conspiracy theories. You just don't want me to have fun, you just don't want me to go up mom, you're so paranoid. What about then?

SPEAKER_03 10:19

Oh, yes, yes. Uh sometimes you just gotta hit him with the no because I'm an adult and I said no. And I I hate to do that to Ethan, but it's I always tell him instead of because I said so, because I know I hated that, I always tell Ethan, um, I can see around corners you can't. Because I'm an adult, I've done these, I've lived through teenage years. I can see around the corners you can't see it. You don't even know what's a mile down the road. I do. There's a reason to my madness, even if I'm not perfectly articulating myself, there's a reason I'm saying no. So, and oh, he knows if he asks me more than two times, he might as well just chalk it up. Because if you're if you're taking it to pestering, it's definitely not gonna happen. You're not gonna pester me into something I already think is a bad idea.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Right. Like it's gonna change the safety aspect of it if you just keep asking me over and over again. No, it's not gonna happen.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

Yeah, and that's the whole thing. It's it's it's not gonna change the safety aspect. And not only that, when you're pestering and being like, you just hate me, or you don't ever want me to have fun or live my life, and you know, they get so dramatic about it. And I just sit there and that's when I really want to hit them with no because I said so.

unknown 11:44

Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Right. Yeah, I get there. I definitely do. And you know, gentle parenting says validate everything forever, but real life, you just you have to have boundaries and you have to have the words no sometimes. You know, it's just kind of what it is. So, you know what feels weird to me? When parents try to be their kids' best friend, right? And that kind of goes back into just always saying yeah and always just kind of going with it. You know, every family's different. Um, and I get that, but my mom always said, I'm your parent, not your friend. We'll be friends when you're grown, which is hilarious because that's exactly what I say to my voice all the time. I'll be your friend when you're grown up, you're an adult, you have your own place, you know you're responsible, and you're at that point in life. For now, I'm your mom. And 16-year-old meme, I thought it was the worst thing. I really did. Now I get it. And our job isn't to be light 24-7, it's to protect, teach, and set boundaries, even if it means eye rolls, slam doors that might mysteriously come off the hinges, which Lord knows they better not. They better not.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

Not unless you're taking them off, right?

unknown 13:05

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

And I have.

SPEAKER_03 13:54

She always used to say, if you like me as a parent, then I'm not doing my job. Yep, absolutely. And now as a parent, man, I hated that. I lost my door many a time. I lost light bulbs for leaving them on too long. And she would, it was all to teach me a lesson. And now I get it, but uh Kayla, teenage Kayla, wanted to just stomp her feet and yell at the moon, but I knew that wasn't gonna work.

unknown 14:26

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Welcome to Wednesday Chaos, right? Coffee is non-negotiable, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 14:37

All right, so truth circle time. Oh man, mom, if you're listening, I'm so sorry in advance. So you know, teenage me had gagged for a sleepover once. And you know, mom did the full safety check that you used to do back in the day where she called the other parent and made sure they were gonna be home, everything was all good, there's no boys or anything. So then my friend and I switched plans last minute after I had got to her house, and we were gonna go to the vibes-only type parent house because I knew my friend's parent wasn't gonna check to make sure the other friend's mom was gonna be home. Okay. So I we knew this there was a little like loophole in there that we could get around this. So anyway, we ended up going to this party out in the middle of like it was almost towards uh Mansfield. That's how, yeah, rural. Okay, yeah. I ended up wasted alone on Crybaby Bridge with cornfields surrounding me. Yeah. Oh no. Oh yeah. I was like blackout drunk, no phone, because it was back in the day when me and my sisters all shared a cell phone. One and I didn't I didn't have the phone. Oh no. Yeah. So cops apparently had showed up to the party. I was already drunk and like stout on the edge. Oh no. So all my friends scattered, including my what I thought was my best friend at the time, and just left me. So when I woke up, I was stumbling around or whatever. That's how I found my way to Crybaby Bridge. Well, I ended up finding a drunk guy who was at the party who was also hiding out, and we made our way back to his car and he offered me a ride. Man, I I don't know what broke through the drunk haze, but something did. And I channeled every lecture my parents ever gave me, and I threw his key so far out the window. He was so mad. Oh my girl, it was Ohio and it was like not winter, but it was fall. So you know it was cold. It's cold. And here it was rainy. Yeah, so you can't, he couldn't do nothing. There was no moving the car, there was no turning the heater off. Oh no. So we ended up sleeping in his car. And then, and then in the morning, you know, we get out, we find the keys. It took forever. I was really oppressed. I kept going, like, what time is it? What time is it? Because I knew I was gonna be late getting home. I was like, oh, my mom's gonna have me done. Like, I'm never gonna be able to leave the house again, you know. So we ended up finding the keys, and he actually drops me like a few blocks. Turns out he lived, he lived on 21st Street. So he only lived three streets over. Yeah, yeah. So I I I beat feet home, right? And I get home, I come like rushing through the door as rushing as you can as a hangover teen. And mom goes, Where's your stuff? And I'm like, Oh, I left it because we were gonna see if I could stay the night again. Girl, from the moment she looked at me, she knew I was lying. She laid eyes on me and she just knew I was lying. She said, You're not staying the night again. And then she tells me, Go change, you're helping me in the yard. Oh no. I smelled like regret. And I know I smelled like Captain Morgan. So she didn't yell though. She didn't yell. She just go change. So then we're out there and she has me dying in her garden, pulling these weeds and hoeing the the soil and everything. And she only asked me two things. She said, Did you have fun? And I said, Yeah, I mean, it was all right. Because what am I gonna say, right? No, mom, I passed out drunk and apparently cops showed up. Like, no, I'm horrible. Right. So then I want to go back, right? Yeah, I want to do it all over. No, I don't. I'm nauseous still. Right. So then she asked me, please tell me you didn't get into the car with someone who had been drinking. And I told her the truth. I let it go. And I said, nope, I sure didn't. And I made sure they didn't either. And that was it. That was like, she didn't berate me, she didn't ground me, she did not let me stay the night at that friend's house ever again. And she made me weed and do yard work all day, which oh my yeah, miserable. I I was miserable and I was so dehydrated. But you know what? She found the middle ground. You know, she taught me a lesson without having to really say much of anything, and it stuck with me. It has always stuck with me that she was just like, because she knew, and and I I thought I was slick, I was not slick.

SPEAKER_00 20:29

I got away with probably a little more than what I should have. But my mom grew up very differently um than I did, so I think that kind of let me get away with some things. Um, and I didn't make all the best choices growing up. Um but looking back on it now though, I still learned lessons from it, you know. So I try to teach the boys, you know, all the things that parents normally try to teach. Don't get in the car with someone that's been drinking, don't be drinking. If you are drinking, I want you to call me. You know, even if you think I'm gonna be upset, I would rather you call me and I come out and get you than something happen. So I think that having that middle ground and communication is huge, especially with teenagers.

SPEAKER_03 21:27

I remember Amanda's ex Lucas, his best friend Alex, once called my mom. He was also partying out in the cornfields and apparently got separated and lost, and he was so inebriated. I think we were maybe 16. Um, and he didn't know who to call. So he called my mom. And this was like two o'clock in the morning, and I see my mom shuffling to put on Shoes and loan on a hoodie. And I'm like, where are you going? I thought something happened to one of the grandparents, you know? So I'm like, where are you going? And she's like, I'm going to go pick up Alex. And I'm like, what? Why? And she's like, he's drunk and he's lost. And she still has him on the phone because he couldn't find a street sign. Because you know, when you get out into rural Ohio, street signs are not necessarily a thing. It's like turn by the third cornfield on the left and go down to the orange and red barn. There is no street sign. There's make your own road. Yeah. Definitely. So my mom is, oh, find your way to the actual road and find a mile marker and tell me what the mile marker says. So she's decoding where he is. And she went out there, I kid you not. And she found him and brought him back to our house. And she did not lecture him. She was like, I'm so proud that you did not get into a car with somebody who was driving drunk and you did not get in hitchhiking. And I'm like, man, if that would have been me. Put him out in the yard, Tom. Right. Put him out there. Oh no. He did not, he did not get off easy. She had him help put the pool up. I think that very next day. She made him put the pool up. Yeah, it was not fun for him because he had to move all the sand and everything. But no. She got her work out of him. You know how my mom is. Love her. I mean, she sees Jeremy coming and she's like, oh, pie the way. I'll make you steak sandwiches.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

I just need you to reshingle my roof.

unknown 23:54

Right.

SPEAKER_02 23:55

Can you go look at the truck? Yeah. Oh yeah. Here's this horrible flashlight. All the days. The days. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 24:17

Okay, our favorite part, guys. Quick hacks we swear by for surviving the middle ground. I'll start. One, keep communication open. Let them talk even when no is coming.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Two, save because I said so for true emergencies only. If you overuse it, believe me, it's gonna cause them to have an attitude.

SPEAKER_03 24:42

Oh yeah, for sure. Three, explain your logic. They act like they don't care, but they're listening. And it teaches them there is a reason behind certain things and it opens their understanding.

SPEAKER_00 24:56

Absolutely. Four, remind them parents keep you alive. Friends don't have to. So just let them know. Even if you share a story or two of your own with them, just let them know you're there to help them stay alive.

SPEAKER_03 25:10

And sometimes friends abandon you. Yes, they do. Five, pause the argument. Take a five-minute break if it saves a 45-minute war. If things are starting to get heated and you guys just aren't seeing eye to eye, take a break and come back to the conversation. There's no harm in saying, time out.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Absolutely. And six, offer alternatives when you can. No to that, but we can do this instead. Balanced magic, we like to call it. It gives them an opportunity to have their way a little bit, and it also lets them know that you're trying to compromise with them, and it gets your point across too.

SPEAKER_03 26:02

Alright, you beautiful caffeinated disasters.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

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SPEAKER_03 26:12

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SPEAKER_00 26:18

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SPEAKER_03 26:37

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SPEAKER_00 26:44

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SPEAKER_03 26:50

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SPEAKER_00 27:04

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SPEAKER_03 27:10

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go rescue a dormant from a puppy who thinks it's dinner.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

And I've got boys begging for rides I'm completely saying no to. Love y'all. Mean it. Go sip one for us.

SPEAKER_03 27:26

And we'll see you next Tuesday.