Bonus Parents & Big Influence: Navigating the Step-Parent Role (Re-Release)

Crystal is back and we’re diving into one of the most layered parenting conversations out there — step-parents and their influence on our kids.

In this episode of Mom’s Brain Is a Coffee Stain, we talk about blended families, co-parenting communication, and building a healthy step-parent child dynamic. Whether you’re a bonus mom, stepdad, single parent dating, or navigating shared custody, this parenting podcast is packed with practical tools.

We cover:

• Letting kids set the tone
• Building connection before authority
• Respecting pre-existing bonds
• Creating clear house rules
• Avoiding loyalty traps
• Using “we” language for unity
• Validating big emotions in blended families
• Why communication between adults matters most

Blended families bring love — and sometimes grief, confusion, and adjustment. We discuss how presence, patience, and predictability create emotional safety for kids. Structure builds security, and consistent parenting builds trust.

If you’re parenting teenagers, navigating co-parenting conflict, or trying to create peace in a blended household, this episode offers real-life parenting tools for moms and bonus parents alike.

Main takeaway: connection over control, communication over chaos.

See you next Tuesday. Go sip one for us. ☕💛

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Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Everyone, as the summer winds down and we take our family vacations and get everything back into the swing of things for the school year, we just wanted to let you know that we're going to be re-releasing a couple of our earlier episodes. We hope you guys enjoy. And as always, keep on sipping that coffee and we'll see you next Tuesday.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

If you ever pretend to understand TikTok trends just to feel connected to your kid, if you ever tripped on nothing and your kid laughs and you fake it like you meant to do that.

SPEAKER_04 0:38

If you ever get excited about cleaning because your kid is at school and then dread the mess when they come home, then this episode is for you.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Let's spill the coffee. Today we're talking about stepparents, their importance, and the influence they have on our children.

SPEAKER_04 1:04

So, as everyone knows, I have a stepdaughter, Olivia, and honestly, it's an odd thing calling myself her stepparent because to me, she's just my daughter. She's not my stepdaughter. Um, she's just one of my kids. Now, I didn't come into Olivia's life until she was 11, and she has a wonderful, awesome mom. Um, and I recognize that I'm not her mom. And I make sure I stay in my own lane because I never want to overstep her mom or make Olivia feel like I'm trying to be something that I'm not. So um, yeah, the nice thing is I can text her uh Olivia's mom about things going on with Olivia or even Ethan for that matter. I can be like, hey, this is what's happening with him. What do you think? And she's so wonderful, and we just really talk about it. And I recognize that not everyone is lucky enough to have that type of relationship with a fellow step parent parent. Um, and I love it because I look at them like they're both my family. And Olivia's more my she's my bonus daughter, like she's my daughter, and she likes to refer to me as her bonus mom. And she's I let her set the tone from day one. So she doesn't have to call me mom, you know, she doesn't have to call me her stepmother or anything weird. She set the tone, I went with it. Um, and I just I'm an adult who loves her no different than anyone else, and like her grandparents, her aunts, uncles, or anything like that. That's cool. And she knows she can come to me with anything, and I'm always gonna be here for her. Um, she doesn't place above or below Ethan. They're both my kids, and that's it. They're my kids.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

That's so awesome. You know, I don't have any stepchildren, and my kiddos don't have a stepdad. Um, but I had a dad that was technically my stepdad growing up. I never looked at him like he was my stepparent, though. He was just dad. He always treated me like I was his own, and I never felt any different from that. As I grew up, I made sure to tell him how much that meant to me, though. I think it's important for stepparents to know that if you're gonna take that responsibility on, do it fully and completely. Understand that there's gonna be obstacles, but that doesn't negate the responsibilities that you voluntarily took. I also think it's important for everyone in this situation to know that communication goes a long way. You know, talk about your role, talk about what's expected of you, and talk about what you expect too. Yeah. You know, parents let the kids know that you love them. Um, even though they may not be your blood, you're they're in your heart, and that's what's important. Kids need that love and support, and that's how you're gonna build a relationship with them. It might take some time, I won't lie to you. Um, it's not always sunshine and rainbows from the very beginning, but eventually it will work as long as you keep showing up, showing love and showing support. And also, I think it's important to talk with the other parent about your role, right? Talk with your significant other. Um, make sure there's open communication between you and the biological parent if they're involved and they're around. Just know what's expected of you and then also let them know what you expect. Communication is gonna get you much, much further. That wasn't so much of a factor when I was growing up, but I do remember mom and dad talking um about raising us, like raising me and just what that came with. And to me, growing up, dad was dad, right? He wasn't a step parent. He never felt like a step parent, he was just dad. So I do know my situation is a little bit different. I think every situation has its own challenges and its differences, but that's why I think communication is super good because it's just gonna keep everybody on the same page and the kids happy.

SPEAKER_04 5:34

Yeah, and it's kind of like you said, you know, there is that flip side to having stepparents that it's not always gonna be sunshine and rainbows. And you can even acknowledge sometimes co-parents don't get along, and that can create a little bit of a tension when you add in step parents and the co-parents, and that's even more people not getting along, and it just strains those relationships, you know, and then there's the actual step parent that can cause issues for the family and specifically the child if there is a misconnect or there's faulty communication or something like that. I know, for example, um, like with Olivia, like I said, I let her set the tone. You know, I thought that was very important. Now Olivia does have a stepdad that she lives with, you know, when she's at her mom's house, you know, and their relationship's a little bit different. He demanded things of her, he demanded certain respects. Um, and instead of really letting her set the tone, he he set boundaries that she kind of had no say in. And she was very young. And I mean, a preteen girl, uh, you know, one of their things is they want to challenge things. So she challenged that and it it strained that relationship, and to this day it's drained that relationship, you know. So when it comes down to who does she want to do college applications with, if her mom or her dad's not available, she's gonna call me over her stepdad. Yeah. Just because she'd rather spend more time with me. And part of that, yes, I can acknowledge, is because I'm also a female and she's a female, you know, so we have just that natural connection. But then I also can look at it as um the listeners know, like, for example, Ethan is not biologically Andrews, even though he is in the process of adopting him. Um, his real dad is someone he he does have communication with. Like, that is something that I've always found to be very important, um, is for them to be in contact. And I for years I did try to force that contact. I tried to force his dad to contact him, and I tried to force Ethan to contact his father, and it wasn't until a therapist said, like, hey, no, don't do that. You know, let him set the tone. And now he's a teenager and he sets that tone, but he he looks at Andrew and he's like, That's my dad.

unknown 8:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:20

You know, like, and Andrew's like, okay, but Andrew doesn't make him call him dad. And it's so funny because he nine times out of ten will call Andrew Andrew until the moment he wants something. And then he'll be like, Hey dad. And Andrew's like, oh boy, what's this about to cost me? You know, but it and it's funny, but because he when he first came into his life, he was like, Well, what do you want to call me, buddy? Like, you know, my name is Andrew. Yeah, you can call me Andrew because we're we live in the south. So a lot of times adults, you refer to them by their last name. It's like for our it would be like Mr. Heights. Well, Andrew's like, I'm not having him call me Sir or Mr. Heights. Like, that's no. Yeah, you know, and Ethan was seven. I mean, he was seven when Andrew came into his life, so he was like, Can I call you Andrew? Is that okay if I call you that or Andy? And he was like, Okay, that's cool, whatever works, you know, and nobody else calls Andrew Andy. I don't even. But the only other person on the planet that used to was Andrew's grandma, and she has passed. But Ethan will sometimes just like when he doesn't feel good and he doesn't want mom, he wants Andy. Yeah, you know, and that goes to speak to the character of my husband. You know, he set that tone, and that's the type of role he played. And it's like you said, that communication is so critical. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

It is, and then it and removing the pressure, right? Like it sounds like he removed the pressure and it allowed for a more natural tone and and more at ease process in it, right? Because situations like that can feel awkward until there's some comfortability there. Um, sometimes that don't never come, unfortunately, for some people. So I think that just letting the the natural process go and and letting it become a natural thing on on how comfortable they are kind of helps to dictate how the relationship's gonna be. And, you know, I also think that when there's when there's issues in itself, um, that's kind of where I think the saying suck it up buttercup comes in. Yeah. You know, like when it comes to the adults in this situation, you know, you may have a breakdown of communication or maybe some ill feelings towards the other parent for whatever reason doesn't really much matter, I guess. Um, but the child should never know that, right? Like, and I think that if you start to let kids hear conversations that aren't meant for kids, it they don't know how to process that just yet, you know. So it it it causes a breakdown and it can cause conflict and chaos where there doesn't need to be any. Um, and I just feel like that's important. I think that I didn't have that problem growing up. Um, you know, my birth dad, birth father, whatever you want to call him, wasn't around, so that wasn't really much of a factor. But looking back on it now, like there were many times that dad showed up for me when he didn't necessarily have to, and he never made it feel like it was a burden or a problem for him to do that. So just him show constantly showing up for me, constantly showing love, made us have a naturally good relationship, and it only got better as I grew older. So I'm so thankful for him for that, you know. It's just I think it's important. I think it's important to let the natural process, you know, kind of play out. And I think it's important to not let kids hear adult conversations and let them think that, you know, everything is all peaches and cream. You know, like let them see that everything is good and they'll make their own decisions, they'll have their own feelings, and I think it's just better that way. I think it makes the family move so much more naturally.

SPEAKER_04 12:37

Yeah, it's more of a fluid environment when you do it that way. And I agree, you know, kids don't need to hear adult conversations, and then you add on top of it, taking the pressure off is so important because kids are already under so much pressure, and I don't think that we recognize that sometimes as parents. Um, and they naturally want to know what mom's talking about or what dad's talking about. They like it's the same reason why, you know, kids never want to go to bed because they feel like they're gonna miss something, right? Like they want to know what you are talking about, and sometimes you may inadvertent it may inadvertently slip out or something like that. That's okay, address it. You know, move on. I shouldn't have said that. That was a mistake. I was angry. Move on, repair the damage and move forward. Because, and I will say this from experience, your child will formulate their own opinion when they are able to emotionally regulate and understand a situation for themselves by their own experience. They should not be sharing your experience. That's the difference. Now, I'm not saying, and I think this is something to be very clear about, because there are people who have left an abusive situation or something like a sexual assault or something like that may have happened. You know, do your does your child need to know that? No. But do you need to put safeguards in place? Absolutely. You know, and I do think that's important. And I think when your child's old enough, yes, you can have those conversations, but before that, you don't need to bring that into the picture. You know, they're just not a safe person. You can leave it at that. Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

Age appropriate conversations.

SPEAKER_04 14:32

Yes, very much age appropriate, and it keeps that whole thing fluid. And now let's talk a little bit about the step parent themselves, because I know dad. And dad was, I'm I honestly have to say, just like one of a kind, because he was just so loving and just like the warmest person. And it's so easy to see why you look at him and you don't look at him like, oh, he was my stepdad. It's easy because of who he is, you know. Um and so, but that's not always the case. Um so let's talk a little bit about what stepparents and their role can actually do when maybe things aren't hunky-dory.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

Right. Yeah, I think it's important to touch on that too, you know. Um personally, I think that if you look at um our listeners, if you look at your own home, right, your own situation, whether you have a step parent involved in the situation or not, um, the adults in the home set the tone, right? For your home. You set the tone by your attitude, your tone, the way you handle things, all of that. And when you add in a step parent, right, you how do you say it? We are a product of our environment. And we do plan to touch base on that in a later episode. But you guys, you may not see everything eye to eye. And then you may come across a situation where you don't like how that step parent handled something, and you may not like, you know, maybe how they chose to discipline or anything like that, to be quite honest. That's where I think communication is the most important. Communication away from the kids, right? And I think it's also important to let your kids know that they can come to you and they can talk to you about that other parent um in a constructive way, right? Let them know that it's okay. If they have an issue with something, they can come and talk to you in private and let you know, hey, this is how I felt when this happened or when this was said. And then you be able to address it as a family. I think it's important because you don't ever want your child to feel like you're putting someone above them or before them. And you want to make sure that your kid is feeling safe and secure and happy too, right? And also with the understanding that, yeah, they may get this maybe they got grounded and they didn't like it. You know, maybe, you know, there was a discipline plan that you guys had in place and you can talk to your kid about that, or just whatever the situation may be. But let them know, it's so important, let them know they can talk to you no matter what.

SPEAKER_04 17:43

Absolutely. And I'm sorry if you guys are hearing my parrot, he is screaming because mom is not playing with him right now and the sun is currently out, so that he thinks that means he can go for a walk. But back to what we're talking about here, I do agree with you. And I think when you have a step parent, I think it's really important to let the tone be set by the child, but also have family rules. And those family rules can be something that really start between the parent and the step parent on, like you said, how are we going to discipline? How are we going to reward? You know, that way there's boundaries that aren't being crossed that make either party feel uncomfortable. And then you go further into that with the kids. Like I know in our house we do contracts because my son has ODD. And so accountability is a really big thing. He has to take accountability. So we do contracts where he agrees that if you know he doesn't do X, Y, Z, that he is understanding and acknowledging that he loses Wi-Fi for 24 hours or whatever it may be. You know? So that's something that's very important in our household, is because of what he deals with, because he's a strong-willed child who has some issues that you know we're trying to iron out. And I think that that's important, but that's also something that you can do as a family unit, is these are just the the house rules, right? You know, and okay, so as they get older, house rules change because they change, you know, and it's important to address that. My rules in my house are not the same as when my kid was five. Right. You know, and I I think it's just so important that if you start at the adult level where the parent and the step parent can have that conversation, the boundaries are set. And then, like you said, yeah, if the stepparent comes home and the kids weren't doing the homework like they were supposed to be, and maybe the dishwasher didn't get emptied, and he says, Okay, well, you guys lost TV time tonight. You know, yeah, that they're gonna be upset over it. They can still come to you and tell you how upset they are. That's important that they know that they can they should still be able to come to their parent and tell them, I'm upset over this. But I think at that point, it's also important for you to say and acknowledge, well, you know, this is a house rule. Exactly. You know, and we do have to follow house rules. Now, obviously, depending on how that situation happened, whether it's a tone that was used or something else, you may have to have a further conversation with a step parent. But for the basics of it, yeah, you can agree with them. Now, it may be something out of the ordinary that you don't have a house rule for yet because they're entering into a new stage of life. And at that point, look just like if it was their normal parent and not a step parent, divide and conquer is not something you want.

SPEAKER_01 21:05

No.

SPEAKER_04 21:06

So you you're gonna go ahead and go roll with the punches on that, and then you're gonna sit down and maybe you weren't so comfortable with it. So go ahead and sit down with that step parent, talk it over, and come to terms on okay, maybe this is, you know, maybe the punishment didn't fit the crime.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

Right.

SPEAKER_04 21:27

So this is how we can adjust the punishment, and moving forward, this is how we would address this issue. And I just think that that's so important because house rules start at the parental level. Whether that's two parents or a parent and a step parent. They start at the parental level, but children need input because children are the ones that are setting the stage for their developmental phase that the rules apply to. So it having their input and having their agreement, it teaches them accountability.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

It does. It does, it does. And I I really like how you pointed out that just making sure that the everybody's on the same page, that the punishment fits the rule break, right? So I think that's super important. And I think it's also important if you're not maybe in a situation at the moment where you have a set parent, maybe you're a single parent, but you're dating or or whatever the case may be. I think when you get to a certain point in your relationship, you should talk about what those expectations look like for each other before you get into a situation where you know you're living together, you're starting to raise children together. Um, and I think that's important even if you're maybe you're not a parent yet, right? And you're dating or whatever, you want to be a parent, you're building a relationship with someone. I think that's super important. And it kind of all goes back to communication, right? Like, what is what do you expect? What do they expect? Can you agree on that? Or are you so far apart that you just don't see it coming together? So I think it's super important. And letting the kids know, like you might not have liked it, right? But if the punishment fit the crime, like, you know, you kind of gotta feel. So, and then if something, you know, maybe you're like, okay, I can understand that, you know, maybe that wasn't quite appropriate punishment for what it was, being able to address that with the other person in a healthy manner away from the kids because you don't want to set a tone that the children can divide you either. Right. I think that's super important, right?

SPEAKER_04 23:40

Like super important. Yeah, that definitely says more chaos than it creates peace when you let that happen. Well, guys, it's our favorite part of the show. We're gonna move on to mom hacks for a healthy step parent child dynamic. I'll start with number one: build the relationship before the rules. Connection comes first, authority comes later. Focus on trust, not control. Be curious about their interests, routines, and humor. Let affection grow naturally. Don't force it. Think a mentor or a trusted adult, not an instant parent.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

Number two, let the bioparent lead discipline, especially early on. The biological parent should handle most of the discipline. Step parents can't step parents can support privately, but not correct publicly. That kind of prevents a power struggle and any resentment. Now, we're not saying that it just really does depend on the situation. Yes, but you know your situation more than anyone else does. So just kind of keep that in mind as your relationship grows or your family grows and make sure that you communicate.

SPEAKER_04 25:11

Yes, perfectly said. Number three, stay out of loyalty traps. Kids can love both households. This isn't, oh, I have to pick mom's house or dad's house. Nope, they can love both households. Never speak negatively about the other parent. Reassure them that they don't have to choose sides because they're kids. They shouldn't have to. Loyalty conflicts are huge stressors for kids. Even if they don't say it out loud, they are feeling it, they are internalizing it, and it will eat them up. So just try to avoid it.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Absolutely. And four, don't take rejection personally. Distance, sarcasm, or coldness. It's usually about fear, change, loss, confusion. It could be many other things. Just know that it may not be anything about you whatsoever. Just keep responding with consistency and not punishment.

SPEAKER_04 26:09

Yes. Create predictability. Kids may seem like they hate this, but they really strive and need predictability. Kids thrive on knowing what to expect. Clear routines, household expectations, consistent responses. They know this because structure equals safety, especially when it comes to blended families.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

Yes. And respect pre-existing bonds. You're joining a story already in progress. Honor traditions they had before you. Avoid replacing roles. Just add to the family. Don't try to replace or take over. Add to it. You don't have to be mom or dad to be important. Be you, and naturally it will come together. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 27:03

Number seven, find one-on-one time. And I think this one is so important when you're trying to build a connection. Small moments like this matter. It could be a car ride or cooking together, watching a shared show that you both like. No big talks are required. It could just be like, haha, a few laughs on something that you're both enjoying. And it grows the connection quietly and naturally.

SPEAKER_01 27:31

Absolutely. Number eight, use the we language. Present a united front. In our house, we or we've decided kids feel safer when adults are aligned. And it shows them that you're a unit and you're not separate.

SPEAKER_04 27:52

Yes. Number nine, validate big feelings. Blended families bring grief even in happy situations. So acknowledge their anger or sadness or even confusion. And avoid statements like you should be grateful. Validation builds emotional safety and in turn grows connection.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Absolutely. 10. Have adult check-ins away from the kids. We talked about this a little bit earlier. Blending families is hard on relationships. Schedule regular check-ins with your partner. Talk about your roles, boundaries, what's working, what's not working. Have strong communication among the adults because it will provide a calmer household for the kids.

SPEAKER_04 28:41

A much calmer household. Number 11, lower the pressure. You don't need instant bonding, matching pajama moments, or best friend status. What you do need is consistency, kindness, and time.

SPEAKER_01 29:00

Number 12, get outside support if you need it. Family or blended family therapy can help reduce tension, improve communication, and give kids a neutral space. Seeking help is strength, not failure.

SPEAKER_04 29:22

Yes, and our main takeaway here is presence, patience, and trust build healthy stepparent-child relationships. It's not something bound to happen overnight. It's going to take time.

SPEAKER_01 29:42

Well, that's it for today, you beautiful caffeinated disasters. If any of this resonated with you, hit that follow button.

SPEAKER_04 29:50

And if you would, please leave us a review. It really helps other tired moms and dads find the show.

SPEAKER_01 29:56

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SPEAKER_04 30:15

Seriously, your support lets us keep ranting without going completely broke on Kramer. And don't forget to check us out on social media. You can find us everywhere at Mom's Brain is a Coffee Stain.

SPEAKER_01 30:26

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SPEAKER_04 30:37

We will put the link to our BuzzProut supporter page where you can now subscribe and get your episode two days early in the show notes. And if you'll excuse me, I'm off to hit the treadmill because I'm feeling very fitnessy today.

SPEAKER_03 30:53

That's so good for you. I'm off too. Love y'all. Mean it. Go sip one for us.

SPEAKER_01 31:04

And see you next Tuesday!